Holidays

I look at the calendar and I can't believe how close we are to all of the holidays. First off Halloween is coming! I can't wait to take my baby trick or treating in his costume! I know he will love it! I can't wait for Thanksgiving. To show Lincoln what I am thankful for. This year I am so grateful to be spending Thanksgiving with my wonderful little family! Last Thanksgiving I was pregnant but it wasn't very far into the pregnancy. I had no idea I would have this handsome baby boy! I didn't know who Lincoln was, he had no name he was just this little life that had just begun growing. this year I have probably the most handsome son who looks so much like his handsome daddy! I am so blessed and can't wait to give thanks, eat tons of food, and well...watch football on thanksgiving! :) Then of course there is Christmas! Probably the holiday I have been looking forward to the most because I can't wait for Lincoln to sit on Santa's lap and make Christmas lists. There is so much that I want to show him! We get to start our family traditions. I just love having this little baby and I am so happy to share my life with all of my friends, family and my followers! I thank everyone for your support and love as we continue through Lincoln's first year! :) John and I are so blessed with so much love and happiness!

Baby free for a minute

I can't believe that Lincoln is about to be 4 months old! My last post I talked about struggling with self esteem and not feeling beautiful anymore. Well I really stepped up and worked so hard and I am happy to say that my baby weight is GONE! ALL gone! I am back down to 120lbs! I still want to continue to be healthy so I am keeping with it and doing daily toning exercises to help me tone my abs. All of this isn't easy with an almost 4 month old that I take care of every morning but I am getting through it! I also got my braces on! Things are starting to look much much better and well my confidence is back! :) I had to just start out with that! Next, I have possibly the most BEAUTIFUL child in the entire world! He is just SO handsome! He is growing so so fast and I am such a proud mom! Links looks more and more like his handsome daddy everyday and I just love looking at them and knowing they hold my whole heart! <3 Now I finally had a moment to update the blog because Links is off at daycare because I have a dentist appointment so after a shower and a cup of coffee I have a couple of minutes to write and breathe. I absolutely miss my son already! But I gotta get some teeth pulled for my braces so I will enjoy a small relaxing morning! Here are a few pics to update on what is new

Had to share some braces pics and a new pic of Lincoln! Now my last update is to share a couple of funny parts of being a mom. First off...Kids tv shows...All I have to say is Dora the Explorer was on a boat with a bunch of cats and was trying to stop them from getting wet. Yeah I couldn't stop laughing. Maybe I'm immature or maybe the writers of Dora the Explorer are SICK! lol second, my bladder is not as strong as it used to be so the occasional trickle of pee when I sneeze continues like I was pregnant. There are worse things in life so I just laugh it off. But next time you make me laugh real hard just remember I could start to pee a little bit! I am off to the dentist! I hope all of my friends, family, and followers are doing fantastic! <3 you all!

3 months old!

Yesterday Lincoln Turned 3 months old. I still feel like it was yesterday that I brought him home from the hospital. I remember John and I sitting on the couch with him and looking at each other like, "now what?" lol Lincoln is growing and changing so fast! I can't believe how big he is already. The biggest milestone to date would be that Lincoln has spent 2 nights in his big boy crib! Last night I hear him awake on the baby monitor and I go in to his room to find he has rolled onto his tummy from his back and is trying to roll back over. I take him out and sit in the glider chair to feed him. As I sit there I start thinking back to the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I remember being pregnant and miserable and sitting in Lincolns room in the middle of the night imagining what it was going to be like to have a baby and rock him to sleep. Last night it occurred to me that it is a million times better then I ever imagined. Being a mom has changed and enriched my life in so many ways. I am happy to be a mommy and as Lincoln grows and changes I just see John light up. Lincoln is his son and that is a bond I will forever be jealous of! I'm glad though, I wanted John to get his baby boy! Of course when I see Lincoln just wanting his daddy I always get a little jealous! I just wanted to update that Lincoln is 3 months and sleeping in his crib now! Pretty crazy because just over 3 months ago I was sitting in his room wondering if he would ever decide to come out! :)

Eventful 2 weeks...

Since August 3rd where I sat and patiently waited for my test results, so much has happened. My doctor called and confirmed I do have cervical cancer. After a week of feeling lost and like my world had fallen apart I went in on Friday for a cervical cone biopsy. Dr. Sargent went in and removed two cone shaped pieces of tissue from my cervix where the cancer was located. I was hoping the cancer would be easily treatable. I got my results yesterday that Dr. Sargent was able to remove all of the cancer from my cervix and now all I have to do is have check ups every 4 months for the next 16 months and if I am good we will space them out to 6 months until I am able to go back to yearly check ups. So basically as soon as I was diagnosed with cancer I also beat it. Whew! What a roller coaster that was. However in that short time I found myself struggling. I have had the worst self esteem and the worst anxiety. I am determined to nip this in the bud and get my confident self back on track. First things first...baby weight! it's been almost 13 weeks since I gave birth to Lincoln and my weight is 126 when I was previously 120 before getting pregnant. Now the 6 lbs I have to go is great but I really should be closer to 115lbs. When I got pregnant with Links I had had a miscarriage about 2 months prior and had 5 lbs I gained during those 8 weeks that I never lost. So I am still looking at about 11 lbs until I am back to pre pregnancy but I would honestly be fine with losing the 6lbs I have to get back to 120. The weight is just a start though. On top of struggling with losing my final 6 lbs I am struggling with being a mom. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I know I am Lincoln's mom but I rarely have the time to stop and think about myself. I don't feel sexy I just feel, blah most days. I am determined to snap out of this funk though. No matter how I am feeling I do look in the mirror and that woman I was before pregnancy is still there I just need to remember that and keep pushing myself to get to where I was! The irony in all of this is I am fighting to get back to where I was yet I think about getting pregnant with baby #2 in about a year if my cervical cancer stays at bay. lol. The last and final thing I am scared and struggling with is I am only 2 days away until I get my braces on! EEEK! After years of looking at my smile and wishing it was straighter I am actually doing something about it! Adult braces. Maybe the most embarrassing thing I will deal with in my adult life but maybe not, I mean I did pee myself in public and announce it as my water breaking! I will be sure to post a pic of my braces once they are on!

So here I am...I haven't showered...I have a little acne breakout...and I am exhausted but I am still me. I know who I am inside and as long as I let the inside shine I know the outside will fall into place!

The 'C' word

I am usually not a serious person but today I want to share a part of my life that is serious. My pap smear came back with what looks like cancerous cells. I will go in today and have a biopsy to see what is up and if it is truly cancer. Now I have had so many supportive people telling me it's probably nothing and I will be okay and I appreciate all of that but with my past I have found that it's very possible to have something like cancer happen to you! Here is why I feel that way... Back before I had John, before I even thought of having kids I was a high school student going to school in a new town and struggling with depression and trying to find who I was. At 15 years old I had been through a lot in my short life and after a really hard year at home with my family in Eugene I was sent to live in Portland with my dad. This is where I met Drew. Drew is what I would call my "high school sweetheart." He changed my whole life and made me realize I was worth something and taught me to love who I am before anything else. Shortly after graduation I moved in with Drew and planned to start a life with him! We were engaged which looking back I was way to young for that but nobody could make me see that, but that is beside the point! I will get to my point though. So one morning Drew woke up and asked me to come see something. I remember him sorting in bed and he was feeling something on his right collar bone. I looked and there it was. It was a lump about the size of a golf ball. It wasn't there when we went to sleep. We decided to go to a nurse practitioner at Rite Aid because we were young and had no health insurance. The nurse we saw looked like she had seen a ghost! She told us to take him to the emergency room to check it out. I thought that it was stupid to make us get a huge bill when he was totally fine and didn't even feel sick! At the ER he had X-rays and blood work done and after a 3 hour wait a doctor came in the room. The doctor put up some xrays and started talking about treatment and what they would do. It all happened so fast! I kept hearing the word "lymphoma". I spoke up and asked if Drew needed antibiotics. This is the moment our life changed forever. Drew has cancer. Those words hit me like a truck. CANCER?!? That's not possible! He is healthy and soo young! There was then a lot of talk about percentages. Only 10% of people diagnosed with Hodgkin s Lymphoma actually die from it. His odds sounded good! We went through some chemo and a short round of radiation and Drew became cancer free! We were ecstatic and had a month of fun and normal teenage lovebird life. We went in for a check up after that month and the CT scan showed that the cancer was back and not only was it back it spread everywhere! We didn't have much time to take action but we agreed to try a stem cell transplant to save him. The percentages were no longer in our favor so Drew and I married before he went in the next week for treatment. After a long time in the hospital and one coma Drew got to go home. About a week after he was home I was at work and came home on my lunch to find Drew wasn't breathing very well. He coughed up blood all over and just looked terrible. We got in the car with the help of my mom and left for the hospital. He was at only 30% oxygen and was admitted right away. I was going to leave to take a quick shower at home but my mom called me and told me they were going to intubate him. I ran back just in time to hug him and I will never forget that moment. He looked so calm and wasn't afraid so I felt like it was going to be okay. I told him I would see him soon and I loved him. That is the last time I was able to speak to Drew. He never came off life support and when we finally took him off and said our goodbyes he was gone. I laid my head on his chest and I heard his heart stop beating. This experience was the single most important moment in my life where I decided I needed to live life to it's fullest because it could have easily been me who lost my battle. Now I'm not going to lie there are days I wonder "what if". What if Drew had never gotten sick. What if it had been me? The beauty in it all is that I will never know what could have happened if he was still here. I do know that it was part of a bigger plan. Everything happens for a reason and maybe I was meant to meet Drew and go through losing him so I could grow as a person. I know that Drew watches over me and is so proud of who I am and the people I have built a life with and that makes me smile. I started writing this last Sunday before I went in for my biopsy and for whatever reason I decided it was too personal to post and stopped. Well I am patiently awaiting the call from my doctor to hopefully hear good news and I look at my phone and the date just jumped right out at me. Today is the anniversary of Drew's death and I await my results about cancer. Life is ironic sometimes and I guess I decided that nothing is too personal. I want to share this with my friends so maybe then understand why cancer is such a scary thing to me. Or maybe they just didn't know this part about me and now they understand why I am who I am. I hope to have good news the next time I post but even if I don't I know I can get through it. I just need to stay positive and know that everything happens for a reason.

last day before maternity leave ends...

In the back of my mind since the day I had Lincoln I knew I was going back to work. Being a stay at home mom is great for some people but it is defiantly not for me. I get bored at home. I need to work and well I love my job and what I do so I don't want to give all of that up. I knew I would go back but 8 weeks of maternity leave seemed like an eternity! I would look at the calendar and see that it was the end of May and July is a long ways away. Today I woke up and realized it is my last day of leave. Tomorrow when I wake up I have to go to work! I am filled with so many mixed emotions! I am excited because I am starting a new position at work and well I love to wear cute work outfits. I am scared because I've been off work since April 23rd and what if I forgot how to work? I am sad because my perfect little guy is going to daycare. I am happy because we have a great daycare provider that I can trust with him. So many emotions going through my head. I know I am ready to go back and soon I will be that super mom I always imagined that cooks and cleans and cares for her baby but also has a full time job...or...I may be the mom who cares for her baby and works. (the cooking and cleaning is a goal but we have to see how it goes!) LOL After a morning of running errands I am happy to be home with my Lincoln and my husband so we can spend the evening together before I return to reality! I will try to update this blog at least once a month with Lincoln and how he is developing! :) Goodnight everyone!

where has the time gone???

Well it's official, I am a horrible blogger! It's been 7 weeks and 3 days since Lincoln was born! I am way overdue for an update! So here it goes... It may take me an hour to type this because I have a very clingy baby today and well I only have use of 1 hand!:) Here some proof:

It seems like just yesterday I gave birth to this perfect little boy but at the same time I feel like it's been well over a couple months. Life has changed in ways I never thought it could and also stayed the same in places I never thought. For example: I am about to become a working mom. I am going to be dropping my sweet boy at daycare everyday and going to work in a new position at work that I have worked so hard to get. My life is totally different on top of being a new mom. My life has also stayed the same. For example: I still enjoy playing kickball and started that right back up at 2 weeks after having Lincoln. Now I thought I wouldn't want to play because I would not want people on the sidelines helping out or letting someone hold him while I play and that is just not true. I still enjoy playing and I love how helpful our team mates and friends are in helping keep him company while I am in the field. Lincoln has fit seamlessly into our life. I can't imagine life without him now. He has made our life so much brighter and as crazy as it may sound we are already planning for a 2nd baby. John has been so amazing as a father and as a husband through this whole experience! I always dreamed of having a husband who would do his share and truly want to help with a baby. He has his moments where he tries to get out of changing a poopy diaper but I can't blame him for that! Even I try to get out of those! I have found a way to keep my home somewhat presentable and to keep myself presentable as well! Here are some pics to share of our life with Lincoln!

Here is Lincoln and I at the Oregon Zoo with one of the giraffes! As you can tell I have been making the most of maternity leave :)

Here is John, Lincoln, and our dog Wicket hanging out on the couch together! :)

here is a shot of Lincoln and I getting ready to meet his Godmommy out for lunch! I feel like I look pretty good since this was taken only 6 weeks after having him! The weight loss has happened pretty quickly. I only have about 10 extra lbs to lose now! :) Just a little peek into our life. John and I have never been so happy most of all I feel like this completes our marriage! I can't wait to try for a little brother or sister for Lincoln! (nothing it set in stone but we have discussed trying when Lincoln is a year old) I hope to update again soon and tell a couple funny stories about me being a first time mom and things that are great and things that are not so great soon! Thank you to all of my readers! Have a wonderful week! :)